the relative fiction

2012-01-31T21:36:00.000+05:30

I think of what I am.

How I am different now than I was then.

And how similar I become to the past

In the course of moving on.

We are continuosly walking in circles.

We reach the place we had started from.

Only, this time, we had better judgement

Than the last.

Are these concentric circles,

Or are they the same ones that we are treading.

The shade and the sun, the damp summer afternoon

And the numb winter fingers, and,

The drenched monsoon pyajamas.

Are they the uphill climb or the downhill fall,

That I reach every time?

I am possibly set off on the wrong path.

Or am I missing something on the one

That i have been treading since childhood?

2012-01-12T22:37:00.000+05:30

And again all of it falls to numb ear drums

Pessimism, fear, scepticism, turmoil;

How free is the human spirit of the adulteration

Until off course the anti-spirit takes over

To not let you be happy for very long.

I continue to live for the moments of the spirit to come out victorious.

2011-11-16T22:38:00.000+05:30

I want to be able to close my eyes and be still.

To sense peace in the midst of activity.

I wonder what it is like to lose myself to a moment;

To people, thoughts, songs, or even nothingness.

What is the universe striving for,

I wish I could know.

Aspirations that people have,

I wish I could see them.

I wish i could watch my life through the eyes of an audience

Or an author that wishes to tell his own story.

I wonder what my private moments look like

To the world that I live in.

2011-08-02T00:33:00.002+05:30

Timelines are all a matter of illusion

They do not Exist

But as specks of time in individual minds

They stay to live on.

People, attachments, memories

Are delusions of destiny

That engage in the moments of existence

But get buried in the grains of time.

Toys fall on the way

And get forgotten in sand

Creating fairies that do not last

Toys, though lost, teach lesions of detachments

And stay on representations

Of all that is innately true.

And as steps are taken

Unconsciously, Circles are formed

Because experiences leave footsteps

Which only get darkened by the same feet

And patterns though exist

Are unconsciously lost in the limitations of the mind.

2011-05-23T19:57:00.000+05:30

Counting my days by the calendar is not the option I have to myself,

In fact, I have almost forgotten what day is it today-

Not that at other times I remember it- Just a thought

Which seems more relevant today than it ever was!

I have made commitments and taken responsibilities-

What do they give me? I have not been able to define in absolute words.

Still I must do it- I know they drive me to push my limits every time.

I am inspired by motivation? I don’t think so,

It is the fear of failure that drives me stronger each time.

I stand up after falling just to prove what I am worth,

Do I have to do that or not, is not something I have thought of,

Nor do I want to think of it, because if I get an answer,

May be I wouldn’t know what drives me, or rather,

I would not want to accept what drives me.

May be in answering certain questions I would not be able to

Look at my self with the same self esteem that I think I have,

But is the fear of my own un-acceptance of my belief

Really the solution I am looking for?

May be it is not! But till the moment I do not have the time

To think of answers to these questions and sink them in

I will believe them to be true.

This way, at the least, I can believe that there is something

That I stand for!

2011-04-05T20:19:00.002+05:30

Wow! This journey can be very tiring and exciting at the same time. And being at the top is not always fun. And may be people are right when they say that its lonely up there: its because people start assuming that the ones at the top are SuperMans! In reality, it is a lot different. We exist at the top because we have worked hard to be there and to do all that the ones at the top are supposed to. We strive hard to be worthy of all the repute that the ones there should deserve. But we are vulnerable to failures too. We are prone to weaknesses: and we are not always strong, we feel weak at our knees too. But the difference that comes being at the top is that we are not expected to ask for support or solace: we are expected to pull through on our own and never grow weak!

2011-01-30T20:21:00.001+05:30

Life is a cycle-I had realized that long back-

But such a refreshingly tireless one?

I did not know I would learn it!

And yet my guts tell me not to make such sure statements.

I have accepted the defeat of my beliefs already,

But how many times more it is to happen

I am clueless.

And this mere knowledge has allowed me to look upto tomorrow

Like a pupil of destiny- with a curious will-

Comparison to a blank page might not be the best one

But let me just say that I move forward like a new page of a notebook-

Carrying forward my stories and ready to write new ones.

2011-01-27T19:49:00.001+05:30

There is nothing as annoying as being in the middle of a lot of options-

Even more so, when each can be just as decisive!

I don’t like to believe that I need to be practical in life.

I don’t like to do things because everybody around me does it and has the society thinking on the same lines.

I detest telling myself that this one decision can make or break my life!

Why should it be so?

Each day I have the power to create something new, and each thing that I do has its own capacity to build a part in me that was probably dominant all this while.

I like to create an aura of learning around all that I do- this way I can tell myself that I am growing with each experience I take, and that no one experience was a waste!

But apparently, nobody would let me think that ways- experimenting isn’t the best option around- after all it is about your life.

Why so serious?

2011-01-03T21:44:00.002+05:30

i seek company of the people i idiolize

and i come closer to the fact that i am just required to be stronger at this moment.

when seeking company i need to search for more strength to sustain myself

on my own.

my weakness can be strength if i find the reason for the secret existence.

2011-01-03T21:19:00.002+05:30

i looked at my blog today

and realised that it had been barren for quite some time now.

i am listening to music as i am writing this

in spite of the fact that i prefer silence at such times.

music always distracts.

but today it is behaving differently;

it is forcing me to write by provoking a feeling in me.

as is mostly the case, i leave the feeling unnamed.

they seem beyond the grasp of words like nostalgic and reminiscent,

the words dont describe the tears that my heart bleeds

when it gets in touch with sudden peace

And not just that-it is fulfillment.

it comes with knowing the fact that i am living:

honestly and in my true definition-

living with uncertainity and in the moment-

the secret of all risks, and success.

2010-11-13T11:42:00.001+05:30

Whispers subside as an inner world comes to life and breathes into the thoughts a self assuring vigor. Provocation reverberates with the essence of being, as long as it is untouched by the adulteration of the ignorant. Myth-in the definition of the fools- enlarges beyond its capacity. Ego develops, but lasts only till it is not negated by the fools.

There is no practicality that survives at the moment-only dreams of being. And it is there to live, but without any justification of fairness or reason.

2010-11-06T13:43:00.000+05:30

sounds have, for long, been disguised as an intrusion into my peace.

2010-10-07T15:09:00.000+05:30

a flutter of thoughts.

2010-07-11T13:51:00.000+05:30

In my own image of the world I surpassed the nothingness. I undermined the unreasonable bias. I eclipsed the predominant impulse. I gave way to everything: acceptable and unacceptable. I stressed my comforting mind. I questioned my own fate.

In their image of the world I continued to live.

2010-05-28T14:38:00.002+05:30

i offer a wreathe to my earthly abode

and wish that the world may rest in peace.

i leave an amulet for those who remain.

and as the world treads on the path before it

they leave me behind, in the relative myth of time;

its not me who is going

but it is the world that has decided to move on...

for i am the still

and i will remain wherever they leave me.

2010-04-29T22:59:00.002+05:30

talk to me...for i have nobody

be with me, for i look for company

dont go when i dont talk,

i am just trying to figure out if i will ever be able to manage without you.

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesnt,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

2010-03-29T17:32:00.000+05:30

what is more difficult than hardship is ease.

2010-03-26T22:18:00.003+05:30

'cause every step that i take pulls me back and every thought that i allow makes me weaker... every day life gives me reason to believe that i am nothing that i was meant to be.

and what i do not realize is that in this illusion of heart n mind, i end up living the illusion of life.

2010-03-02T15:48:00.001+05:30

the journey once begun is an elongated trail of the elements frail...

2010-02-26T21:05:00.001+05:30

i often choose to simply move on because i am scared that a moment longer spent here will not let me look for what is beyond...

2010-01-26T16:33:00.010+05:30

on 26th January, 1950, the 'Constitution of India' came into force replacing the Government of India Act, 1935. today, 60 years later, we Indians see lots of promises for us in the future.

on our Republic day, parade happen in all the state capitals and also the national capital. i witnessed the one of my state, Uttar Pradesh, that is held in its capital, Lucknow. i bring to you a a few glimpses of it.

the young school girls of a particular college carry the flags of the three color that combine to make the Indian tricolor.

one habit of the Indian men that is difficult to change...that of using the public walls as their personal lavatory. the before-parade-began scene.

the young school boys marching past with the tricolor flags.
an abandoned rickshaw sporting the Indian flag. the rickshaw puller was probably watching the parade at this point of time.

the soldier of a particular regiment before the parade began.

2010-01-19T21:22:00.005+05:30

as the second part of the series, i bring to you a few more glimpses of my city...trying to cover a range of aspects of it: from the culture and religious diversity to destitution and colourlessness. primarily an amateur attempt i have tried to make it as versatile as my work allowed. all feedback; compliment, criticism or comments are welcome. by it i hope to improve my work and present better images every time.

2010-01-02T16:37:00.005+05:30

i shall put up this collection in multiple posts. this is a tour of my city, as seen through my eyes.

fondly called 'the city of nawabs,' it has changed over the years in many ways. lucknow is known for its 'so called tehzeeb.'

i tried looking for it in my photos.

2009-12-28T12:43:00.004+05:30

the exuberant Indian wedding is a possible treat for the likes of me. and i happened to enjoy one of those celebrations when i attended my cousin's wedding. the extravaganza and the lavish shower of blessings (pun intended) turn out to be a fortunate event for quite a few parties involved in the ceremony in different capacities. but keeping this factor apart, i was thrilled at all the involvement of the assorted colors that made the event a memorable one.

2009-11-30T13:58:00.002+05:30

i took this picture at a college fest in kanpur. i thought the light was very supporting for this picture.

2009-10-26T18:50:00.001+05:30

i l share the heavens with you... when my dream comes true.i will then live by my dreams in the misty forest to make a heaven of my own.

2009-10-15T20:06:00.000+05:30

Colors aren’t always the best thing to happen! It is often their absence which holds more promises to me. Colors, with their exuberance and fulfillment, are more intoxicating than is the serene sense of being colorless. The tangles that colors often tie me in bring about hopes and expectations which I am often not capable to meet. The more spectral hues cause higher degrees of trauma to surround me in a state of clinching fear. It is a state of crisis I go through on knowing that the absence of colors is no where near. Getting routinely habitual hues can be disturbing to a stable mental state of thoughts.

Religiously being exposed to such luxury is instantly welcomed with open arms. But, only till that instant when you don’t lose your self to the comfort of not knowing yourself. Accepted in the initial stage, this unfamiliarity tends to be damaging with gradual effect. The only hopes that I then hold are the subtle recovery of my stability to support me enough to know myself further and better. And that is where the colorlessness seems more attractive than ever before!

2009-10-13T19:29:00.001+05:30

the world is but a picturesque dream that we do not ever choose to wake up to...

2009-10-13T19:26:00.003+05:30

the sun never sets...nor the clouds ever shower the rains. it is only the backstage people who create the vision that the eyes have got so used to.

2009-09-27T21:01:00.000+05:30

We watch movies. And we see what the camera intends to show us. Other things remaining stable, it is sometimes the camera that provides the movement. So is the case with the human eye. When I chose to isolate myself from the plethora of activities happening around, from the mundane action that surrounds me each day, there was a mild discovery I made. Ironically, irrespective of their mildness, these discoveries make me feel stronger every time they happen to me.

Getting back to the discovery I was talking about: I used my eyes as the video camera. I saw the panning, tilting, dollying and trollying movements as I strolled across my house. I noticed that the objects around me were stable only till my eyes cooperated, any non cooperation on their part brought about a movement in the world around me. And the secret that hit me was: stability is a state of the human eye, which responds to any stimulus provided by the ‘thoughting’ of the human brain.

Then, must I always complain about the changing surroundings! The environment, thoughts, people, situations: they are often a part of the thoughts that stimulate my mind.

2009-09-05T22:04:00.000+05:30

Old bonds changeth...incorporating place for new.

2009-08-28T19:32:00.001+05:30

life is love, life is a dream, life is a song, life is a blossoming weed, life is sick , life is contagious, life is long, life is grand....but lately to me it seems life is nothing more than a facade of immaterial stitches!

2009-08-09T17:59:00.003+05:30

It is more important to live life than to meet death.

2009-08-05T21:54:00.002+05:30

Colours...they surely can make life more beautiful! every colour urges an emotion in us...it is subdued and it may, with subtle degrees, determine our moods. Also, they have a varying effect according to the surroundings which highlight them. i have no real study of this topic though! this particular combination of colours stimulates certain gloomy emotions in me ispite of the stark highlights.

Makes me think of someone who apparently might be mourning the loss of a dear one. here again, do let me know what thoughts does it bring to you.

2009-08-05T21:25:00.002+05:30

the place is Residency...that is where this picture is shot. in 1857, when India fought against the British, the Indian Army attacked the Residency in Lucknow, where the British forces luxuriously resided. this particular grave is of a man called M. V. Nazareth who died on 5th August,1890 and was one of the defenders of residency during the seige of 1857.he was 75 years 8 months and 26 days, when he died...he was survived by his daughter who mourned him deeply. He lost his wife, Eliza Carina in the seige of 1857, who was 36 years 2 months and 8 days when she died.

Moving on to read the epitaph of Late Mr. M. V. Nazareth...

"ONE JUST SHALL REJOICE IN THE LORD, AND SHALL HOPE IN HIM,

AND ALL THE UPRIGHT IN THE HEART SHALL BE PRAISED."

Now reading the epitaph of Mrs. Eliza Carina...

"THOU HAST PROTECTED ME FROM THE ASSEMBLY OF THE MALIGNANT,

FROM THE MULTITUDE OF WORKERS OF INEQUITY."

There are profound thoughts that this post can leave to you...i do not know if the ones that come to me are justified or not. Do bother to leave your thoughts here and share them with me.

2009-07-24T21:28:00.001+05:30

i lost myself last night...to the dream i never saw; to the voice i did not know rested in me; to an imagination that i never thought would turn into a reality!

2009-07-14T21:23:00.003+05:30

i wish i could upload other pictures of the same category but the size of these pictures made it a difficult task. thus, i am just putting up one from that collection. i have used my friend's camera to click this picture...nikon D60. i would rather say that this camera is a class in itself. this picture was clicked in the suburbs of the city, lucknow, at a small village. the bunch of kids in the village cooperated well while i was clicking their pictures with a coulpe of other friends!

2009-07-10T19:40:00.004+05:30

now this album is a little special. my photography may not be the best here...but i have put it up on a special demand of a friend. i guess it is more about the beauty of nature that these photographs have been able to capture. though in terms of photography iw ould rate this album to be average, but on throwing a glance at the serenity of the pictures i allowed myself to put them up...all thanks to the friend who encouraged me to do it.

now the following picture happens to be even more special. i rated it as poor photography till my friend brought into my notice the shape that these clouds make. clearly, they were not my intention when i was clicking the picture on a moving vehicle. on a closer glance i noticed what she already had!

and now i see a horse (which is rejoicing, if you are to believe her).

the same friend thought that the following pictures were very serene and brought a calm feeling to oneself. so i have again put them up keeping up with her wish.

thanks buddy!

2009-07-10T19:04:00.003+05:30

this is one of the most serene and creative adventures i have had. it was about the people i was with, the place it was and the adventure we had had. this is what made this photography trip worth it. i clicked a few unknown people at those unknown places. they treated us with ignorance at first, and then an overwhelming warmth or rather curiosity which took the shape of warmth.

the next ones would be the people who accompanied me on this city trip. i clicked them in aciton, in their moods...and the result is right here.

2009-07-04T15:15:00.004+05:30

as a part of the photoshoot at residency i clicked another of my friends while he was at work. i managed to capture a couple of nice shots which after a pretty long elimination process, i am updating here. while he got adventurous while clicking pictures...i got motivated by him. and in clicking his pictures i ended up with quite some adventure too...

wild beauty

2009-07-01T17:22:00.004+05:30

i was out for a photography assignment with my college friends. we went to the historically famous 'residency.' i clicked quite a few pitures of the place itself, then i realised that it was getting repetitive. i convinced one of my friends to model for my pictures. and as it turns out, my photoshoot of her was not meant to be sexy, rather, to portray varying emotions which at times were extreme.i guess i wouldn't be wrong when i called it 'wild beauty.'

2009-06-18T20:05:00.000+05:30

After all these days of busy schedules I am back to update my blog. Still have nothing much I can talk about. Or must I say I don’t know where I need to begin. I can’t land on any one thought or any one incident that I would want to narrate to you. It is just a huge mess that it always is. So many thoughts, Ideas, beliefs and events! And after all these days I am just losing track of them all.

I get pissed ,if that is the right word, handling such a puddle. And I don’t get to know when it turns into a fear which is almost uninvited. I get to know about it only a minute before, and am not equipped enough to handle it efficiently on my own. Nor can any one else share it…because it is only me who can clear it up. A puzzle, maze, or whatever you may call it, I can be sure that I don’t want it. I already have a bunch of unaccepted crackpots around me who often get on my nerves; and my own mess over it, isn’t something that I would want at a time when I am supposed to work of those supposedly important issues of life.

I know I am confused, and I also know that no one has a solution to it; that is why I am here uttering this shit to you…just wanted it out before it swallowed me in;)

2009-05-19T14:19:00.001+05:30

You know what matters the most to me? What those, who I be myself with, think about me. I have always been accustomed to people hating me. And I have rather got used to it. It is not me who can change their view, I have concluded. Because if I decide on doing that, I will no more be living a life I want for me. Dying in the race to please people I am sure to lose my mental peace.

2009-05-14T15:41:00.001+05:30

Ever since my college has begun, there have been some random and some gradual changes in my life. With a year about to complete I have here, my lost and found list:

LOST:

Myself

My thoughts

My ego

My senses

My belief

My solitude

My peace

FOUND:

A college

An identity card

A bakery

Phase II

The driver in me

Sleepless nights

Aloofness

Chappals

Thumb ring

2009-05-09T17:50:00.000+05:30

i see a god in every child!

2009-04-29T18:00:00.001+05:30

for some weird reason uncomprehendable by me...i like these set of pictures!

2009-04-29T09:51:00.001+05:30

this was the scene at my college when parikrama performed.the crowd was hysterically enthusiastic. my attention was equally divided to the crowd.

2009-04-29T09:43:00.003+05:30

a little trick photography.in the night mode of my friend's camera.did not know it would come out well.

2009-04-28T15:05:00.002+05:30

this was my mom's to-buy list at the handicraft store. the mehandi applied for the wedding she had attended had not faded off as yet. and she was already gong crazy shopping for her relatives.

2009-04-28T14:48:00.002+05:30

while my mom was busy shopping for some nice local handicraft specimen, i was trying searching for a nice frame for my photographs.this is what i came up with!though this picture didn't receive much apreciation from my mom, because they happen to be her hair!

2009-04-25T11:05:00.000+05:30

People follow this common practice of forgetting me. Just when I think I am not alone, I realize I have no one. Looking around reminds me of the failure that I try to forget each moment. Only to realize, that I may try evading from it but it is the life long reality that will possibly be the only constant.

My surroundings being evident of my inefficiencies and incapabilities, every day is a struggle to get over them; ignoring them for how long? I divert my mind off it only to end up one day in a catharsis when all of it strikes me hard. Hard enough to hurt me when I fall!

I am sick of counting my failures. Why don’t you help me get out of them instead of tying me back to all of it? All my attempts to get up are thwarted adding it as another of my failures. I can survive; I have to. Can you accept this fact before you render me useless?

college fest-2

2009-04-04T16:06:00.002+05:30

on the cemented driveway was this inch long puddle (not in real terms.though!)only then did i discover that the camera i was using was capable enough to take such shots. all this while i had been underestimating its capabilities.

college fest-1

2009-04-04T15:57:00.004+05:30

I had my college fest a little time back. while waiting for my conveyance i clicked a few pictures from my friend's camera. my college has this addictive element to it.nothing really fascinating. it addicts you to certain dynamic avtivities with a subtle tinge of laziness in it. just as is the case here.i start clicking pictures randomly without wanting to move about even an inch.

two students were in a deep discussion for quite some time. they kept me glued to themselves for quite some time before i clicked this one.

2009-04-03T19:57:00.000+05:30

Life is a puzzle i didn't know i would have to solve.

2009-03-24T20:14:00.000+05:30

Hatred is the unforgiving misery of mankind. It’s not a solution, but the escape that we, at times require.

double shades.contd.

2009-03-23T19:22:00.002+05:30

this is a common sight in India, where inspite of the development that takes place...somethings remain unchanged. this is one of those things. we talk about providing electricity to the villages and we plan mega electricity projects, but we overlook the hazards and inconvenience that external wirings cause to the residents.WELCOME TO INDIA!

We, in India, may fast be adopting ourselves to the changing times, but for the lower class which constitutes a majority of our population, this means of transportation proves to be a feasible low cost transportation. It is no style statement; it is the reality in India.

2009-03-17T19:45:00.000+05:30

This is one of those days when you lament the absence of the soft instances that once were a part of your past. I initially got into the habit of missing it quintessentially daily, till I conditioned myself to get out of it and live in ‘the’ NOW. And in doing so, I further conditioned myself to believe that it was all temporary, that they revisited me regularly because I invited them to do so.

I had successfully convinced myself over this story till those cherishable moments seemed so close to me…and yet so far. You know what I mean…when you perceive that you want to relive that past, but in some way things have changed…and to an even larger extent-you realize-that it is you who has changed.

What is even harder to believe is that I can control all of it, but I choose not to, staying so-called oblivious to all that can possibly change. And all the ignorance to escape the fear of falling back to where I currently stand, stops me from acting.

double shades.

2009-03-16T21:45:00.003+05:30

this time i also chose a different shade than the contemporary black or sepia. i clicked this picture by pushing a friend behind the curtain...this was the result.
reflection...

double shades

2009-03-16T21:30:00.002+05:30

i decided to limit the horizon of my pictures to two colours alone...i will let them be any two! to begin with...this was the first serius pair of ear wear i owned.

A click of the old monument that has now been developed as park for morning walkers and kids to play.

2009-03-08T10:55:00.001+05:30

Isn’t it because of the shadows that we are able to see the light? Why then am I so scared of my own shadow? Why then do I refuse to walk with my own spectre?

2009-03-03T19:46:00.002+05:30

I met karan yesterday outside my college. He was lying on the mud where the two wheelers were parked. He was being brash with his younger brother. He got obsessed with the camera I was using and was curious to know how it functioned. Unfortunately for him, the battery was wearing off, and I couldn’t demonstrate its functioning to him. In his curiosity he made sure that nobody distributed their attention to his younger brother, golu.

He insisted that I go call his mother, Gita from my college who worked on the fourth floor of the building. The consistency of his questions forced me to ask him a few of them so that I wouldn’t have to wrack my brains into answering his unnecessary questions. After my round of questions he declared that he didn’t go to school. If his mother could, she would definitely send him to one. His dad worked at the construction site.

The conviction with which he answered my questions caused me streamline his situation, it didn’t seem as grave as it actually is. He had accepted it the way life had thrown circumstances at him; no regrets. And it did not matter to him if he didn’t have a playing ball that he could toss around. He had the water bottle that my friend had carelessly thrown away after finishing it off. And certainly, he was not jobless. Along with his brother he cleaned the dustbin at the X’s restaurant. And that was no waste that he dealt in. That was his storehouse of creativity.

Every time he took his turn cleaning the dustbin he carefully left his brother behind and emptied the contents on the ground to nurture his creativity. He sprawled around on the muddy ground to escape the heat. And he tied a rubber band on his forehead for some reason not comprehendable by me.

I have my regrets and apologies that I have to offer each day. I wish and keep doing so and I never get tired. I accept things as they are and always anticipate that they will get better the next day; but I never stop wishing. I never wait a minute in life to thank god for what I already have. I look at those who are worse off than me, sympathize, and move on, never gratifying the life that I have. I don’t see the need to, because I take everything for granted. I have a whole lot of friends but I keep wishing that I have more, I get a good news and I keep hoping that the next time it will be even better; stability and stagnancy don’t influence my life, because I believe in simply moving on.

And at the core of my heart I even know that I have been the least successful in moving on. I don’t know what holds me back; neither do I know what is it that never lets me to be stagnant.

2009-03-02T19:51:00.001+05:30

the topic for the competition was 'discrimination against women.' this was one of the work-in-progress pictures that i took while covering the event.

2009-03-02T19:43:00.002+05:30

the in-between-the-competition acts...there was more action taking place outside the auditoriums, or so does it seem!

2009-03-02T19:26:00.001+05:30

one of those random shots when you are doing nothing. an after the event click...when all the decorations are pulled down by people.

2009-02-28T17:18:00.001+05:30

‘There is no golden past, yet we ultimately seek it.’

I read these lines in the description of the song ‘leaving home’ by Indian Ocean. I don’t know what it means, I have to confess. The reason I have quoted them here is because I find them riveting. When I first read it I thought I knew what it was talking about, but on reading them again, I realized that I needed more time to comprehend the writer’s intend behind it.

It’s not just about a ‘golden’ past; so do I think. It specifically IS the past. No matter how traumatic, grandiose or ordinary it is; it is a part of us and what we are. It is the chisel that has carved us, and since it was involved in the carving activity it definitely was carried out with prudence and skill. I know that I have always been the perpetrator of my life. All that I have done…my misgivings in the past, my expectations and my indignations; have not always been justified but they have enabled me to measure my thought process in ordinal terms.

How can I not look back on my past when that is the only permanent? No matter how humble and deterred the beginning was its result can’t be all that bad. Retrospectively, I desperately would seek my future; presently I know not what to seek. It is not in the memories, the sweet poison of belongingness; it is in the accustomed habits that I bear.

2009-02-20T20:25:00.001+05:30

I watched ‘Delhi 6’ today and I must say, rakeysh omprakash mehra has done a good job with it. Though, I notice that the editor rating for this movie hasn’t been really appreciable. Here again, I must confess that I am not here with a movie review. Just seems like I have been watching quite a few movies lately, which have started evoking my thought process.

Dealing with the subtle nature of the Indian race, (I also realize that this theme is getting repetitive if I retrospect my blog) this movie clears some dooming facts about the very traits of this race. Some dialogues seem ominous and refer to the core of the issue. Mentioning them (not quoting) there is one that says that we Indians are forced to fill our empty stomachs with love because we don’t have money. Doesn’t that so well explain the addiction that foreigners sometimes tend to have with our country? I had always been in two minds about the fact that my vision of this country (that being of a developed nation) would rob this country of its very essence…its faith and religion.

There is certain blindness in the way we Indians tend to believe in religion. And that is what makes its people different from that of other nations. There are certain parts of the country where people, celebrate the festivals of all religions keeping aside their innate differences in religion. But at the same times it is this very cause; religion, that is causing people to wreak havoc in the society.

With such ease we declare the most sensible to be insane…just because they do not fit into the idea of our ‘so called’ society. When our attempts to accept the ones who dare to be different satiates we start condemning them for their sensibility.

We can either accept India with all its faults; which can at times get ethically rhetoric; or we can decide to work on the faults to get rid of them. Though we might lose parts of the real India in that process but we have to lose something in the deal.

2009-02-15T13:18:00.001+05:30

I always tend to get stuck while predicting the fate of the Indian democracy. In fact I wonder if the word ‘democracy’ rightfully describes the state of the Indian politics. Forget politics…I get confused while attempting to decipher the minds of the Indian people. Hanging somewhere between cultural and developing, they don’t know what class do they appropriately live up to. They aspire for the luxuries of both the categories without sacrificing the minimal requirement for them.

Unable to choose any one and unwilling to muster the two, the fate of the Indian politics is turning into a greater muck with each passing day. Disheveled with this state of paranoia and unable to interpret the consequences of the ‘evolution’ we Indians choose the best way out…extremism. At first opposing it and gradually adapting to the extremist policy we tend to believe that this is the best way to fight the change. What we refuse to understand is that we do not have to ‘fight’ the change; instead we have to ‘accept’ it!

We talk about a progressive society, but when that progressiveness becomes hard to accept we condemn it calling it uncultured. We first need to decide what we want and even more…are we ready for the change we want? If not, then let us not maim the thought of change in the name of culture, religion, faith and all those ideologies that we have long given up. Let us first strengthen our belief in what we do and then act, without giving it second thoughts to it. Let us have the mettle desire to be progressive in true terms.

2009-02-06T19:35:00.001+05:30

I watched ‘dev d’ today. And I really think that this movie is a mere piece of shit (pardon my language though). It’s got nothing apart from addiction (let it be of alcohol, drugs or sex!)Now, I am not here with a movie review. I am here to talk about the more practical aspect of it all. And that is that there are actually men similar to the ‘dev’ (in the movie) in the real world aspect. I am not talking about similarities in regards to the passion part. But the lack of guts to love…that is precisely how I interpret their actions.

Having live examples right around me I find it difficult not to release my frustration at them, so I decided to write and speak it all out and be good to them. Looking at such people around me, I am amazed that they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. They blame their fate on the people around them, and also those not around them…they blame it on the world with the exception of themselves! And all the philosophy that can help them seems to permeate through their thin brains. Nothing good seems to settle there. It’s only the rot thoughts that have a strong grip on their little brains. Even if you try changing yourselves for them…all they see is their own effort; all the others around them never seem to make any effort.

Seeing such specimen around for a while has already made me skeptical about their present. I dare not think of their future. I wonder; when will they understand that life and fate are all in our hands. No one, other than us has any control on it what so ever!

2009-01-29T19:14:00.000+05:30

I tread on my daily path today just like each day in the past six months. This journey leads me to my college. Not a place I am really fond of, but one that has made me adapt to the changes that have occurred lately in my not-so-long life. Whatever it is, however it is, it has made me accept life as it came to me. But this is not really what I am here to discuss so let me not catch up the wrong path.

I caught my college bus like each other day, and as always I didn’t speak much to the people around me. Instead, this time, instead of playing with my thoughts I chose to free lance my environment and microcosm to which I always belonged but never gratified.

And this time I realized that I had more lessons to learn from the people around me than ever were taught. Values as dedication, sincerity, selflessness, beliefs, acceptance of reality summoned me in a manner I never had thought!

I saw the austerity in happiness of a little child on walking with his grand father; The love in the company of a younger sibling; the freedom of a man in his daily mundane tasks. I witnessed the religious morning offerings of an old man on the corner of the road; the unspoken helplessness of a man wearing a shirt that pronounced freedom of speech, actions and thoughts even as he stood on a dirty road corner reading a newspaper that announced the sufferings inflicted in the name of religion.

I always valued my thoughts galore. But on witnessing a society more thoughtful, valued and content than me… I learnt to look beyond. Significantly or insignificantly, the journey of those around you is their own, but you always tend to be a part of the non dynamic chapters of their lives.

2009-01-26T16:30:00.003+05:30

I proudly watched the defense forces parade past my lane as I stood on a parked scooter a few yards away from the marching forces. I reinvented the lax necessity of witnessing a parade being a citizen of this republic.

Before today I had watched a live parade but I cannot trace the number of years that have passed since then. As I climbed on the scooter and watched the smartly dressed young men and women pass by I realized how ludicrously I had missed showering the accolade on the young patriots.

My eyes kept shifting from the performers to the audience. How each one struggled to get a glimpse of the march past was appalling. It was at that moment that I felt envious of the young marchers… I thought of the pride they could boast of being a part of the parade as people crowded around just for a glimpse of them…they were the people in whose hands we Indians had placed our faith. I wished I could be a part of that march past and be on the receiving end of the admiration.

On a greater shift of focus I was overwhelmed to see that people actually climbed up terraces and hoardings to be testimony to the parade. Irrespective of their age, faith, belief, they were all huddled up to experience the march of the republic. Kids sitting on strong shoulders, ladies ascended on walls, young boys packing themselves on trees and even sadhus making their way through the crowd with Indian flags hadn’t been a common sight for me before.

I realized that all this while I had under estimated the real India. It wasn’t just Bollywood stars that attracted the public. It was the people who really took charge of the country that attracted equal attention.

PROUD TO BE AN INDIAN.

2009-01-25T19:47:00.000+05:30

are they the shadows that demark the reality from the fake?

attention please

2009-01-21T20:14:00.000+05:30

For all those who have gone through my blog before…I am here with a change in my blog; partly to use my brains and partly to feel good about the change. The ‘EXPRESS’ blog has now been renamed ‘CATHARSIS’. The author remaining unchanged; is just trying to bring about innovation and consistency in the blog from now on. Do continue visiting my blog…I hope I successfully attract your attention to it.

Yours sincerely,

HeathenJ

2009-01-19T19:42:00.000+05:30

“And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.”

How fondly I recall these lines you probably can not perceive. They are a part of the poem by Robert Frost I had once studied at school. The poem has a soft corner for all that is important in life. And it definitely is good to be reminded of it every now and then. It has a fine balance between desire and duty. Though its not just this quality of the poem that makes it special to me.

The more important part of the story is that this poem was taught to me by a lady who lives no more. Though I didn’t know her much, nor did she know me the same, but somehow we tend to remember people when they leave. No extraordinarily special place for her in my heart; or any inclination for what she ever said or told, but a simple recurrence of memories when I remind myself that even to the last day of her life I didn’t do much but trouble her.

‘Daffodils’… that was the poem she taught me last when she left. I don’t know why do I still remember it? I don’t know if she was more than just a teacher. I don’t know if I reciprocated her efforts duly. What I do know is that I still remember her. I still remember that she was a true lady I knew. I still remember the gracefulness she showcased. And I also remember that I shed tears when she lived no more!

2009-01-16T20:17:00.001+05:30

I look back, I look ahead, I stumble and I walk ahead. I dream, I cry, I hope, and I fail. I smile and I cry, only to laugh again harder than before. Only to come in terms with the beauty of life, only to walk ahead more determined than before, only to walk through life alone…no expectations, no obligations, only me; inspired with life!

Life with its demises and bliss, comes stronger than ever before every time I sulk, giving me no reason to do it again. Life with its imperfections make me contended and wonder if the imperfections just make life even more perfect. I look ahead in hope undeterred by the failures I might have to face, unconcerned with the imperfections that might be in store for me.

2009-01-12T20:02:00.001+05:30

Only with the highs and lows do you see an even road.

2009-01-06T20:48:00.001+05:30

deplorable thought
crushing the intimacy of heart;
the restlessness
of suffocation
overpowering the
once upon a time strength:
the indecisive superiority
of the present weakness
killing the spirit
that lead it ahead.
the ignorance created
out of the dependence
on the 'strength',
made it handicapped
to speak for itself.

the reason was wretched
for the sake of
the undeserving cause;
but it still isn't late:
though even more difficult
is to convince its own self
in favour of the action
so strongly wished for
but even strongly contradicted.

2009-01-05T20:10:00.001+05:30

I found it thoughtful that the most beautiful conversations of my life happened when I spoke nothing!

2009-01-03T18:27:00.001+05:30

Relentless seclusion; of beliefs and of faith,

Repudiation of the pervasive misery,

The sacrilege recurring to haunt the cause

And prevalence of doctrines…

The very core of disbelief.

Mustering the faith to idealized selflessness,

Altruism making way for resentment;

Acceptance drowning its reason in the midst of pain.

I know I seem to be playing with words in this write up. That is precisely what I love to do. Though they do make a lot of sense…at least to me they do…It describes a split second of catharsis that occurs in the attempt to fight for the right.

2008-12-31T15:54:00.000+05:30

How limited hardships I think I have had when I want to pen it down…and when I look back I think I have had loads. It was only lately when I was thrown into thinking that life had been so good to me. As I started looking back on life I realized I wasn’t that bad! Probably I have treated life too fairly. Life has had quite a few demises. So many that when I looked back on them yesterday I had a tear in my eye. I perceived their complete absence in my life today.
With each lash that I was inflicted with, I seeked an opportunity to learn and move on. I learned that the secret of my life was in moving beyond the unpleasant. Wasn’t that the reason I had almost forgotten the past, and held no bitterness for it on the present date? I learnt to live with the good in life and after taking all that is important from the past I let it rot.
People often commented on how cheerful and full of life I was. I never considered it seriously, after all that was just the way I was! Only when I saw that lack of life in myself did I start thinking of its existence, if there ever was one. And I had to admit…people weren’t wrong. For the first time I considered myself seriously on matters as these. This world supports the survival of the fittest. And if I want to be the one…I need to get the better of myself.

The world around never is the problem…because the problem is always in us!

2008-12-23T19:17:00.002+05:30

there is a world unknown to you and me...cause its built on belief.

2008-12-20T18:12:00.001+05:30

I knew the secret…I always did, but somehow did not acknowledge it. I knew I was different. I knew things happened the way I thought they would. And I knew I had more in me than others thought. I also knew i I would prove it someday.
I knew I wasn’t the only one knowing it but there weren’t any others I saw disclosing the secret! I realized the power in me, and the powers of my dreams when ever I believed in them. I saw myself working for them. I saw myself living for them.
I thought of my accomplishments so far and realized they brought a lot of hope for the future. They weren’t ordinary…not that they were phenomenal, but they were inspirational. They seemed to be the materialization of my very thoughts.

2008-12-19T20:11:00.000+05:30

Its not time that changes. It’s the self that refuses to change. I understood that, when I decided to change with time. Thoughts, memories, past…they happen to create softness in the present, not to prevent the present from being cherishable.
How difficult is it to live IN those memories! Not realizing that we ought to live WITH them. Perception can bring all the change!

2008-12-18T15:10:00.002+05:30

I asked time to spare me...and i got left behind.
I asked time to walk with me...and i still got left behind.
and then i finally realised that i had to catch up with time!

2008-12-16T11:21:00.000+05:30

I crossed my limits yesterday only to realize that I had broadened the scope of my morals.

2008-12-13T20:02:00.000+05:30

I figured that there was more passion in a child’s play than in a chocolate vendor…

2008-12-12T20:10:00.000+05:30

The moon casts shadows even at night!

2008-12-11T22:13:00.001+05:30

I don’t really remember when I developed this habit of sending a message to my loved ones through the moon. I know it doesn’t reach them. But I am somehow fascinated with the thought that irrespective of the distances I can feel their presence with me at that point!
It all began with a friend mentioning the beauty of the moon. I decided to explore it too. I would often sit and just stare at it blankly trying to find something interesting in it, till I realized that I had fallen in love with it.
I gradually begun talking to the moon…I mentioned my thoughts to it and then I would try interpreting the message that it was trying to convey to me. And trust me…it does speak a lot. It spoke to give more answers to me everyday! It somehow did not go out of stock…not as yet at least! I see my memories in it; I see new vistas of life that somehow do not occur to the mundane. I learnt what love was by falling in love with it.
It provides me the sense of security that a close one would in that dark night. It shows me beauty in the middle of fear. I understood the pettiness of my thoughts when I would leave myself to the mercy of other petty people. I began to believe in the miracles of life that occur when I am most ignorant. So I left myself in the arms of beauty to frame me so!

2008-12-05T18:15:00.002+05:30

words are eternal...

2008-12-05T15:23:00.001+05:30

How long has it been since I have given a thought to myself…I don’t know. I didn’t realize when I got into the race and forgot questioning my own self. I had actually started accepting things without questioning them when they weren’t meant to be treated so. I had apparently forgotten that there was a me that seeked happiness in the beauty of the night sky. I don’t know when I lost myself, but I do know that this is not the way I want things to be!

It is easier to be happy in the moments of solidarity than go around searching for a company. It is more satisfying to know my own self that consider others’ view of me. It is easier to accept myself than waiting for others consent to accept me. I don’t know if it is my policy of escapism or is it my belief in my self… what I do know is that being this way makes me happy!

Time and again I question myself for the things happening around me…I do need to know to what extend I effect them and they effect me! Is it right to blame others without considering my own self? I don’t think so. We can’t change others…what we can do is change ourselves. Let the surroundings mould me but if need be I wouldn’t mind being resistant my surroundings.

terror...

2008-12-03T15:53:00.000+05:30

I couldn’t stop myself from writing on it anymore!
Barbarism, callousness, ruthlessness and the mere insensitivity of humanity has struck me hard. After all these years of evolution (as I thought it to be) we have fallen back to what we originally were proving the wildness of our blood! I am talking about the treacherous attack in the Indian city that was carried out by a so called group of humans…

If only blood was the solution to all problems…we would be free of problems altogether by now! But a fact to be lamented…it is not. After the thousands of deaths that have hit the Indian city lately not even one has brought us closer to the solution.

I feel a lack of confidence in my existence today. All this while I had my interpretations of life…but lately I have started questioning my own beliefs. if murder was the road to peace…I would happily offer my life. But when would these half brained idiots understand that there is more to things than they see! Behind every life that they take in the name of faith or religion…there are buckets full of tears that are being shed! Behind every shot that they fire…there are dreams that are being shattered…hopes that are devastated…lives that lose their reason.

When would people move towards having an understanding of their differences? When would they realize that just like them…others have dreams too! Would people ever learn to respect the presence of others and move beyond their own selves? All these questions haunt me every time I switch on my television set or read through the newspapers about the plight of people who have lost their near and dear ones, about the reaction of the politicians, and about all those people who have lost their lives in the hands of terror.

past...present...

2008-08-27T21:09:00.000+05:30

Past and present…they are both strong forces, each pulling on either side.its difficult to breakthrough; even more difficult to maintain a balance. Past pulls…the present pushes. Why else do you think am I writing this…I am scared to be torn apart by this unmanageable force!
My past has been a bed of roses…so is my present…then why is it being difficult for me to move on. What is pulling me back and causing me to stumble on every step that I take? I was given all that I wanted but in a new form…and that makes me happy…but why doesn’t it keep me going?
Thoughts…they do trouble; memories…they disturb; tears is what they bring!

will you?

2008-08-23T21:49:00.000+05:30

I smile at your thought, but do you remember
The glow on my face on seeing you?
I do address my thoughts to you,
You are the imagination that comforts me,
But do you still miss the warmth of my smile;
The comfort in my hug;
And the security in my presence?
Do you still believe me
When I tell you that I love you
That I need you just like I did before?
That though we were friends
You were an intricate part of my life;
The reason I could wake up each day
And smile at the warmth of life.
You were the reason I smiled when alone;
The reason I never cried;
How could I in your presence!

But before I continue…
Do I have the right to throw these questions on you?
Will you answer me when
I ask you if you still love me;
May be you answer,
But may be I have not the strength to listen to it.
May be I must just assume
That I still matter to you…
May be that’s the only way I can be happy…

memories

2008-07-24T21:42:00.003+05:30

i gather the fragments of memories to help me move on in my so called life.i say 'so called' because as yet i dont know if this is what i really want.is this the life i really desire and will it get the better out of me?wild thoughts pulling back and memories behaving weird...almost unexpectedly...never thought it will get so extreme.ideas taking terrible shapes...make me hold on to the present even more tightly.its not the future as much as the past that is making things so complicated!

collapsing soul

2008-07-20T15:02:00.001+05:30

i struggle..each day...to come out of the fake reality i dwell in,to breathe in the life that surrounds me,to be one of the happier faces..not just for show!
extending each of my fingers to hold onto a light that i wish to discover and to breathe, but i give up my efforts,i think maybe today i ll discover the peace within me. may be then i would not have to look upto the empty faces to tell me how bad i am.may be then i can just smile each day before i sleep instead of asking god to give me a happier tomorrow.may be then i can thank god for what he has given me today!
things would be better then.i wouldn't have to put on my fake smile eveytime i wish to cry.i wouldn't have to tell people that they are good,i wouldn't have to wait for them to pass on their final judgement.
till then must i kill my soul?

2008-07-20T15:02:00.000+05:30

they told me moderation is the key...is it?i dont know...but i do need an answer!how can i be moderate when they manhandle my emotions?how can i be moderate when they demolish my dream by a mere hit at its core?can moderation surface when i am told that the passion i have lived for all this while must end up as a dream?that thoughts as those must bear nothing more to themselves?that there are interests which hold more importance than sheer welfare?that this world doesn't function on the sheer will to contribute?

2008-06-14T13:06:00.001+05:30

the hollow in my life forcing its way into me...getting deeper. extracting the me in me...

2008-06-14T13:06:00.000+05:30

time is detrimental of hope...or is it the other way round?but one thing is for sure.hope destructs the future more than anything else.it is more devastating than a failure itself...i mean mentally!

2007-12-16T16:56:00.000+05:30

chasing memories.

glaring through time

imaging moments

the summary of life.

stretching along

the boundless trail

figure; a speck

on the ocean, frail.

wavy emotions,

the reflection of me

soft instances

shaping the revolving time.

bound with

the fading memories

cared for with intimacy...

2007-11-11T18:19:00.000+05:30

establish a link between the solidarity of humans and the serenity of nature to decipher the mysteries of creation.

2007-09-28T20:00:00.000+05:30