That which I thought belonged to me, is owned by so many others. The more I see, the more I get convinced of my insignificance. The excitement of a new experience embodies itself into pride at the first instance. But its not long before the pride gives way to nothingness and offers a realization that all that done so far does not count when there are so many others who have done a lot more than what I have. Then what is it that really matters?

I think of what I am.

How I am different now than I was then.

And how similar I become to the past

In the course of moving on.

We are continuosly walking in circles.

We reach the place we had started from.

Only, this time, we had better judgement

Than the last.

Are these concentric circles,

Or are they the same ones that we are treading.

The shade and the sun, the damp summer afternoon

And the numb winter fingers, and,

The drenched monsoon pyajamas.

Are they the uphill climb or the downhill fall,

That I reach every time?

I am possibly set off on the wrong path.

Or am I missing something on the one

That i have been treading since childhood?

And again all of it falls to numb ear drums

Pessimism, fear, scepticism, turmoil;

How free is the human spirit of the adulteration

Until off course the anti-spirit takes over

To not let you be happy for very long.

I continue to live for the moments of the spirit to come out victorious.

I want to be able to close my eyes and be still.

To sense peace in the midst of activity.

I wonder what it is like to lose myself to a moment;

To people, thoughts, songs, or even nothingness.

What is the universe striving for,

I wish I could know.

Aspirations that people have,

I wish I could see them.

I wish i could watch my life through the eyes of an audience

Or an author that wishes to tell his own story.

I wonder what my private moments look like

To the world that I live in.

Timelines are all a matter of illusion

They do not Exist

But as specks of time in individual minds

They stay to live on.

People, attachments, memories

Are delusions of destiny

That engage in the moments of existence

But get buried in the grains of time.

Toys fall on the way

And get forgotten in sand

Creating fairies that do not last

Toys, though lost, teach lesions of detachments

And stay on representations

Of all that is innately true.

And as steps are taken

Unconsciously, Circles are formed

Because experiences leave footsteps

Which only get darkened by the same feet

And patterns though exist

Are unconsciously lost in the limitations of the mind.

Counting my days by the calendar is not the option I have to myself,

In fact, I have almost forgotten what day is it today-

Not that at other times I remember it- Just a thought

Which seems more relevant today than it ever was!

I have made commitments and taken responsibilities-

What do they give me? I have not been able to define in absolute words.

Still I must do it- I know they drive me to push my limits every time.

I am inspired by motivation? I don’t think so,

It is the fear of failure that drives me stronger each time.

I stand up after falling just to prove what I am worth,

Do I have to do that or not, is not something I have thought of,

Nor do I want to think of it, because if I get an answer,

May be I wouldn’t know what drives me, or rather,

I would not want to accept what drives me.

May be in answering certain questions I would not be able to

Look at my self with the same self esteem that I think I have,

But is the fear of my own un-acceptance of my belief

Really the solution I am looking for?

May be it is not! But till the moment I do not have the time

To think of answers to these questions and sink them in

I will believe them to be true.

This way, at the least, I can believe that there is something

That I stand for!

Wow! This journey can be very tiring and exciting at the same time. And being at the top is not always fun. And may be people are right when they say that its lonely up there: its because people start assuming that the ones at the top are SuperMans! In reality, it is a lot different. We exist at the top because we have worked hard to be there and to do all that the ones at the top are supposed to. We strive hard to be worthy of all the repute that the ones there should deserve. But we are vulnerable to failures too. We are prone to weaknesses: and we are not always strong, we feel weak at our knees too. But the difference that comes being at the top is that we are not expected to ask for support or solace: we are expected to pull through on our own and never grow weak!

Life is a cycle-I had realized that long back-

But such a refreshingly tireless one?

I did not know I would learn it!

And yet my guts tell me not to make such sure statements.

I have accepted the defeat of my beliefs already,

But how many times more it is to happen

I am clueless.

And this mere knowledge has allowed me to look upto tomorrow

Like a pupil of destiny- with a curious will-

Comparison to a blank page might not be the best one

But let me just say that I move forward like a new page of a notebook-

Carrying forward my stories and ready to write new ones.

There is nothing as annoying as being in the middle of a lot of options-

Even more so, when each can be just as decisive!

I don’t like to believe that I need to be practical in life.

I don’t like to do things because everybody around me does it and has the society thinking on the same lines.

I detest telling myself that this one decision can make or break my life!

Why should it be so?

Each day I have the power to create something new, and each thing that I do has its own capacity to build a part in me that was probably dominant all this while.

I like to create an aura of learning around all that I do- this way I can tell myself that I am growing with each experience I take, and that no one experience was a waste!

But apparently, nobody would let me think that ways- experimenting isn’t the best option around- after all it is about your life.

Why so serious?

i looked at my blog today

and realised that it had been barren for quite some time now.

i am listening to music as i am writing this

in spite of the fact that i prefer silence at such times.

music always distracts.

but today it is behaving differently;

it is forcing me to write by provoking a feeling in me.

as is mostly the case, i leave the feeling unnamed.

they seem beyond the grasp of words like nostalgic and reminiscent,

the words dont describe the tears that my heart bleeds

when it gets in touch with sudden peace

And not just that-it is fulfillment.

it comes with knowing the fact that i am living:

honestly and in my true definition-

living with uncertainity and in the moment-

the secret of all risks, and success.

In my own image of the world I surpassed the nothingness. I undermined the unreasonable bias. I eclipsed the predominant impulse. I gave way to everything: acceptable and unacceptable. I stressed my comforting mind. I questioned my own fate.

In their image of the world I continued to live.

i offer a wreathe to my earthly abode

and wish that the world may rest in peace.

i leave an amulet for those who remain.

and as the world treads on the path before it

they leave me behind, in the relative myth of time;

its not me who is going

but it is the world that has decided to move on...

for i am the still

and i will remain wherever they leave me.

talk to me...for i have nobody

be with me, for i look for company

dont go when i dont talk,

i am just trying to figure out if i will ever be able to manage without you.

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesnt,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

what is more difficult than hardship is ease.

'cause every step that i take pulls me back and every thought that i allow makes me weaker... every day life gives me reason to believe that i am nothing that i was meant to be.

and what i do not realize is that in this illusion of heart n mind, i end up living the illusion of life.

the journey once begun is an elongated trail of the elements frail...

Colors aren’t always the best thing to happen! It is often their absence which holds more promises to me. Colors, with their exuberance and fulfillment, are more intoxicating than is the serene sense of being colorless. The tangles that colors often tie me in bring about hopes and expectations which I am often not capable to meet. The more spectral hues cause higher degrees of trauma to surround me in a state of clinching fear. It is a state of crisis I go through on knowing that the absence of colors is no where near. Getting routinely habitual hues can be disturbing to a stable mental state of thoughts.

Religiously being exposed to such luxury is instantly welcomed with open arms. But, only till that instant when you don’t lose your self to the comfort of not knowing yourself. Accepted in the initial stage, this unfamiliarity tends to be damaging with gradual effect. The only hopes that I then hold are the subtle recovery of my stability to support me enough to know myself further and better. And that is where the colorlessness seems more attractive than ever before!

the world is but a picturesque dream that we do not ever choose to wake up to...

the sun never sets...nor the clouds ever shower the rains. it is only the backstage people who create the vision that the eyes have got so used to.

We watch movies. And we see what the camera intends to show us. Other things remaining stable, it is sometimes the camera that provides the movement. So is the case with the human eye. When I chose to isolate myself from the plethora of activities happening around, from the mundane action that surrounds me each day, there was a mild discovery I made. Ironically, irrespective of their mildness, these discoveries make me feel stronger every time they happen to me.

Getting back to the discovery I was talking about: I used my eyes as the video camera. I saw the panning, tilting, dollying and trollying movements as I strolled across my house. I noticed that the objects around me were stable only till my eyes cooperated, any non cooperation on their part brought about a movement in the world around me. And the secret that hit me was: stability is a state of the human eye, which responds to any stimulus provided by the ‘thoughting’ of the human brain.

Then, must I always complain about the changing surroundings! The environment, thoughts, people, situations: they are often a part of the thoughts that stimulate my mind.