I think of what I am.

How I am different now than I was then.

And how similar I become to the past

In the course of moving on.

We are continuosly walking in circles.

We reach the place we had started from.

Only, this time, we had better judgement

Than the last.

Are these concentric circles,

Or are they the same ones that we are treading.

The shade and the sun, the damp summer afternoon

And the numb winter fingers, and,

The drenched monsoon pyajamas.

Are they the uphill climb or the downhill fall,

That I reach every time?

I am possibly set off on the wrong path.

Or am I missing something on the one

That i have been treading since childhood?

I want to be able to close my eyes and be still.

To sense peace in the midst of activity.

I wonder what it is like to lose myself to a moment;

To people, thoughts, songs, or even nothingness.

What is the universe striving for,

I wish I could know.

Aspirations that people have,

I wish I could see them.

I wish i could watch my life through the eyes of an audience

Or an author that wishes to tell his own story.

I wonder what my private moments look like

To the world that I live in.

Timelines are all a matter of illusion

They do not Exist

But as specks of time in individual minds

They stay to live on.

People, attachments, memories

Are delusions of destiny

That engage in the moments of existence

But get buried in the grains of time.

Toys fall on the way

And get forgotten in sand

Creating fairies that do not last

Toys, though lost, teach lesions of detachments

And stay on representations

Of all that is innately true.

And as steps are taken

Unconsciously, Circles are formed

Because experiences leave footsteps

Which only get darkened by the same feet

And patterns though exist

Are unconsciously lost in the limitations of the mind.

Counting my days by the calendar is not the option I have to myself,

In fact, I have almost forgotten what day is it today-

Not that at other times I remember it- Just a thought

Which seems more relevant today than it ever was!

I have made commitments and taken responsibilities-

What do they give me? I have not been able to define in absolute words.

Still I must do it- I know they drive me to push my limits every time.

I am inspired by motivation? I don’t think so,

It is the fear of failure that drives me stronger each time.

I stand up after falling just to prove what I am worth,

Do I have to do that or not, is not something I have thought of,

Nor do I want to think of it, because if I get an answer,

May be I wouldn’t know what drives me, or rather,

I would not want to accept what drives me.

May be in answering certain questions I would not be able to

Look at my self with the same self esteem that I think I have,

But is the fear of my own un-acceptance of my belief

Really the solution I am looking for?

May be it is not! But till the moment I do not have the time

To think of answers to these questions and sink them in

I will believe them to be true.

This way, at the least, I can believe that there is something

That I stand for!

Wow! This journey can be very tiring and exciting at the same time. And being at the top is not always fun. And may be people are right when they say that its lonely up there: its because people start assuming that the ones at the top are SuperMans! In reality, it is a lot different. We exist at the top because we have worked hard to be there and to do all that the ones at the top are supposed to. We strive hard to be worthy of all the repute that the ones there should deserve. But we are vulnerable to failures too. We are prone to weaknesses: and we are not always strong, we feel weak at our knees too. But the difference that comes being at the top is that we are not expected to ask for support or solace: we are expected to pull through on our own and never grow weak!

Whispers subside as an inner world comes to life and breathes into the thoughts a self assuring vigor. Provocation reverberates with the essence of being, as long as it is untouched by the adulteration of the ignorant. Myth-in the definition of the fools- enlarges beyond its capacity. Ego develops, but lasts only till it is not negated by the fools.

There is no practicality that survives at the moment-only dreams of being. And it is there to live, but without any justification of fairness or reason.

In my own image of the world I surpassed the nothingness. I undermined the unreasonable bias. I eclipsed the predominant impulse. I gave way to everything: acceptable and unacceptable. I stressed my comforting mind. I questioned my own fate.

In their image of the world I continued to live.

talk to me...for i have nobody

be with me, for i look for company

dont go when i dont talk,

i am just trying to figure out if i will ever be able to manage without you.

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesnt,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

as the second part of the series, i bring to you a few more glimpses of my city...trying to cover a range of aspects of it: from the culture and religious diversity to destitution and colourlessness. primarily an amateur attempt i have tried to make it as versatile as my work allowed. all feedback; compliment, criticism or comments are welcome. by it i hope to improve my work and present better images every time.

Colors aren’t always the best thing to happen! It is often their absence which holds more promises to me. Colors, with their exuberance and fulfillment, are more intoxicating than is the serene sense of being colorless. The tangles that colors often tie me in bring about hopes and expectations which I am often not capable to meet. The more spectral hues cause higher degrees of trauma to surround me in a state of clinching fear. It is a state of crisis I go through on knowing that the absence of colors is no where near. Getting routinely habitual hues can be disturbing to a stable mental state of thoughts.

Religiously being exposed to such luxury is instantly welcomed with open arms. But, only till that instant when you don’t lose your self to the comfort of not knowing yourself. Accepted in the initial stage, this unfamiliarity tends to be damaging with gradual effect. The only hopes that I then hold are the subtle recovery of my stability to support me enough to know myself further and better. And that is where the colorlessness seems more attractive than ever before!

the world is but a picturesque dream that we do not ever choose to wake up to...

the sun never sets...nor the clouds ever shower the rains. it is only the backstage people who create the vision that the eyes have got so used to.

We watch movies. And we see what the camera intends to show us. Other things remaining stable, it is sometimes the camera that provides the movement. So is the case with the human eye. When I chose to isolate myself from the plethora of activities happening around, from the mundane action that surrounds me each day, there was a mild discovery I made. Ironically, irrespective of their mildness, these discoveries make me feel stronger every time they happen to me.

Getting back to the discovery I was talking about: I used my eyes as the video camera. I saw the panning, tilting, dollying and trollying movements as I strolled across my house. I noticed that the objects around me were stable only till my eyes cooperated, any non cooperation on their part brought about a movement in the world around me. And the secret that hit me was: stability is a state of the human eye, which responds to any stimulus provided by the ‘thoughting’ of the human brain.

Then, must I always complain about the changing surroundings! The environment, thoughts, people, situations: they are often a part of the thoughts that stimulate my mind.

Old bonds changeth...incorporating place for new.

It is more important to live life than to meet death.

Colours...they surely can make life more beautiful! every colour urges an emotion in us...it is subdued and it may, with subtle degrees, determine our moods. Also, they have a varying effect according to the surroundings which highlight them. i have no real study of this topic though! this particular combination of colours stimulates certain gloomy emotions in me ispite of the stark highlights.

Makes me think of someone who apparently might be mourning the loss of a dear one. here again, do let me know what thoughts does it bring to you.

the place is Residency...that is where this picture is shot. in 1857, when India fought against the British, the Indian Army attacked the Residency in Lucknow, where the British forces luxuriously resided. this particular grave is of a man called M. V. Nazareth who died on 5th August,1890 and was one of the defenders of residency during the seige of 1857.he was 75 years 8 months and 26 days, when he died...he was survived by his daughter who mourned him deeply. He lost his wife, Eliza Carina in the seige of 1857, who was 36 years 2 months and 8 days when she died.

Moving on to read the epitaph of Late Mr. M. V. Nazareth...

"ONE JUST SHALL REJOICE IN THE LORD, AND SHALL HOPE IN HIM,

AND ALL THE UPRIGHT IN THE HEART SHALL BE PRAISED."

Now reading the epitaph of Mrs. Eliza Carina...

"THOU HAST PROTECTED ME FROM THE ASSEMBLY OF THE MALIGNANT,

FROM THE MULTITUDE OF WORKERS OF INEQUITY."

There are profound thoughts that this post can leave to you...i do not know if the ones that come to me are justified or not. Do bother to leave your thoughts here and share them with me.

Ever since my college has begun, there have been some random and some gradual changes in my life. With a year about to complete I have here, my lost and found list:

LOST:

Myself

My thoughts

My ego

My senses

My belief

My solitude

My peace

FOUND:

A college

An identity card

A bakery

Phase II

The driver in me

Sleepless nights

Aloofness

Chappals

Thumb ring

I tread on my daily path today just like each day in the past six months. This journey leads me to my college. Not a place I am really fond of, but one that has made me adapt to the changes that have occurred lately in my not-so-long life. Whatever it is, however it is, it has made me accept life as it came to me. But this is not really what I am here to discuss so let me not catch up the wrong path.

 

I caught my college bus like each other day, and as always I didn’t speak much to the people around me. Instead, this time, instead of playing with my thoughts I chose to free lance my environment and microcosm to which I always belonged but never gratified.

 

And this time I realized that I had more lessons to learn from the people around me than ever were taught. Values as dedication, sincerity, selflessness, beliefs, acceptance of reality summoned me in a manner I never had thought!

 

I saw the austerity in happiness of a little child on walking with his grand father; The love in the company of a younger sibling; the freedom of a man in his daily mundane tasks. I witnessed the religious morning offerings of an old man on the corner of the road; the unspoken helplessness of a man wearing a shirt that pronounced freedom of speech, actions and thoughts even as he stood on a dirty road corner reading a newspaper that announced the sufferings inflicted in the name of religion.

 

I always valued my thoughts galore. But on witnessing a society more thoughtful, valued and content than me… I learnt to look beyond. Significantly or insignificantly, the journey of those around you is their own, but you always tend to be a part of the non dynamic chapters of their lives.  

I look back, I look ahead, I stumble and I walk ahead. I dream, I cry, I hope, and I fail. I smile and I cry, only to laugh again harder than before. Only to come in terms with the beauty of life, only to walk ahead more determined than before, only to walk through life alone…no expectations, no obligations, only me; inspired with life!

 

Life with its demises and bliss, comes stronger than ever before every time I sulk, giving me no reason to do it again. Life with its imperfections make me contended and wonder if the imperfections just make life even more perfect. I look ahead in hope undeterred by the failures I might have to face, unconcerned with the imperfections that might be in store for me.